Cooper is here!!!

I have not updated in awhile, but I have to get on here and announce that our son Cooper is here!!!!!

He came early at 31 weeks, but he is doing great in the NICU and should be home by the time he is at 35 weeks of gestation. We hope it will be by the first week of Dec.

He is definately the cutest baby in the world!!!!

Surprise

When I have time lately to write I have mostly been doing it on my website www.taxes4nothing.com But I had to come back here and post the good news that my wife Jen Jen is pregnant!!!!!
We are only 5W 5D along and we will go to the DR. on Monday to find out if everything is in the right place.

Praise the Lord!! We have been though some pain in the last 9 months and now we have another chance to begin a family.
Please pray that God will allow this baby to have a future. Whatever his will, we don't always understand it or have a good attitude about it, but we will accept it and honor his name as supreme.

New Web Site!!

Blogging is fun a very helpful to my stress... But I have begun a new adventure on the web.

My first web site!!! It's very basic, but it is fun to learn.

www.taxes4nothing.com

Worst Economy Since the Great Depression...Humm....

Gloom and doom had to happen. At least it had to be brought to the forefront of our thought. We had to believe our current state to be a situation that was impossible and like no other. For in our system of political division, what is bad for the United States is good for the political party that is not in power. We had to be facing an unjust war, economic downturns, mortgage meltdowns, banking collapses, corporate greed, hatred of minorities, racism against immigrants, and such to allow for the change of power to party of no real ideas.

We picked our new president as we pick American Idol. There were people in the voting booths last November who actually didn't know the first thing about our Government, its founding, its principles, or the meaning of true freedom. Also, if you have traveled anywhere, you will agree these people must have never seen true; unjust war, economic downturns, mortgage meltdowns, banking collapses, corporate greed, hatred of minorities, racism against immigrants. Americans in our arrogance, knows not the first thing about any of these difficulties. Not really.

Just point me to one of the losers that "Bad" George W Bush has supposedly taken a job from and I will show you a cell phone, a house, air conditioning, heat, at least one car, Internet and Dish Network TV. WE still spent Billions shopping for presents two months ago at Christmas, we will all go the store and spend Hundreds of $ to prepare a Super Bowl feast today, and American businesses will still spend $200 Billion to advertise their products during the game.

Yes there are industries that have lost thousands of jobs, I'm in one on them, but the "Horrible", "Worst ever" economy of today is not much different than the tens of other cycles through out the history of our Nation. In fact we are much better off then some periods even within the last 50 years.

-Current Unemployment hovers around 6.5 -7.5% nationally.

During the end of the '70's in the Jimmy Carter years it was well into mid to high double digits 12-16%. And to put this into perspective, it was 50% during the depression. So, President Obama's "Worst since the great depression" really doesn't stand up to fact. By the way, while we are here, during the Horrible George W Bush years, the average unemployment was 3.75- 4.75%. During the Grand Old Clinton years it was 5-6%.

-OK some one says, 'But the people employed made less be cause we "outsourced" all the really good jobs..."

But...and look at the dept of labor website shows that total real wages compared to inflation have steadily increased every year since the great depression. Also, year over year consumer spending increased every year in the same period. (Along with Government spending) So, whether people are doing better or worse they still seem to find money to spend.

-The "mortgage crisis" is the funny one to me. If I go out and buy a house that I can't afford unless the bank is forced by the Government to give me the loan, and then I can't payback the loan, is it a crisis? or stupidity? Is it the bank's fault that Congress, 3 times since 1978, mandated the banking industry to lend to people who, under the normal banking standards, were bad risks of investment? To boot, the markets did what markets do, they traded and grouped the mortgages into investable funds and traded them throughout the economy. After awhile no one knew the garbage that these funds were made up of. Why does everyone forget about Congress???!!! They did this. The free market didn't.

To normalize this as I did with unemployment I would state that in 1978 the interest rate to buy a house was 16-19% for a person with remarkable credit scores and lots of banking safeguards. Today it is 4-6% with very little requirements whatsoever. So is it the "unavailability" of houses for people to own, or is it people getting into too much house for their budget with no one to stop them. Remember, if everyone was able to pay the note they signed up for whether their current job was there or not, we would not be in this mess.

I wouldn't buy a house that was so expensive that if I lost my job I couldn't make the payment with two other lower paying jobs.

These small points lead me to my main focus:

The same things happen in every economy we have ever had in the US. The times are the same. Some areas experience relatively worse times than others, but even in the Great depression there were those who had all they wanted. The point is, don't be a sucker to rumor and news thrown out on the airwaves that make you change your deepest beliefs out of fear. Don't be used by the politicians to do things you would never normally do. I showed above that the economic indicators they say are so horrible now, are nothing compared to what we have seen in the past.

Doomsday is not here until the Lord says it is. And I don't mean Lord Obama as he has no power to blow that trumpet.

He does have the power of un-checked propaganda, given freely by the media on a platter, that today seems to sway even the most lucid of thoughts. Don't fall into the trap. Your choices make you who you are. Nothing is ever so bad (Except invasion from a foreign country) that you have to look to your Government to bail you out. Politicians (More so today than ever before) seek only a few actual things.

1.) POWER

2.) USE OF THAT POWER TO CHANGE THE SOCIAL FABRIC OF THE WORLD TO MEET THEIR VIEW.

Remember, they are not after money for themselves. They are mostly already very wealthy. The big goal of most politicians is self gratification that comes with pleasing others around them. If they can convince you the voter that the world is SO.... bad that ONLY they can save it, then they have won a key to their power. Once they achieve the office they aspired, they must convince you that you must continue to give all they ask or they will not be able to carryout their plan of salvation for the people who they want to believe could not survive without them.

-Within each current situation of today there are individual choices that can be made to improve the individual state of being. If your mortgage is too expensive, sell or rent your house while you live in one you can afford. If your job doesn't pay you enough, evaluate your education. If you are well educated look elsewhere to find a better job. (It may be that you have to move hundreds of miles from family) If you are not educated, find a school near you to take classes. (The Government will pay for most of it, I know I did it)

If your husband is a jerk, you're on disability, and you have four kids, I ask, "Why do you have four kids?"

Some situations can't be fixed by you or Government. Like the children thing above, once you jump off the cliff, you will hit the bottom. I'm in the same spot as others, my wife and I have done very well with out economic decicions for the most part, but there are always choices we've made that could affect us negatively in the future. We will deal with it when it happens, but we will never blame big business, our Government, or our employers. The blame and action for change will lie with us.

The main thing scaring me about the comments President Obama is making now is that he truly views the free market, individual responsibility, and limited Governance as a system that can not work without the Government controlling, regulating, supervising, and enforcing it.

All of our recent economic problems would most likely be non-existent or lessened if Government would have not meddled in the free system of liberty we had established at our Country's founding.

The free market works by itself to police corruption, provide for enormous individual success, enhance security, strengthen Government and raise the overall standard of living for all.

The problem with the Democratic party in this country is that they do not want the inevitable part of the free market to exist. The part where if you do not contribute, if you do not work daily to advance yourself, if you limit you participation in the world, there is a chance you may face suffering and may not have as much as others who do.

The Democratic party in this country has not grasped the concept of equal opportunity that you hear them speak of so often. They only want equal results. A Capitalist society has unlimited potential to provide equal unlimited opportunity. The results, however are not equal. They vary based on effort.

Don't allow our Government and Our President to lower all results to one lower equal level. We should all be able to increase our lives based on our choices and rise and fail along with circumstance and effort.

It doesn't make everything guaranteed, but it makes it fair and gives you control over the process to own your success and failures both. That is the best of America.

One last thing. Never look to your President as your Savior, or Hope. I have heard that a hundred times in the last two months and it sickens me. Your Government should not be worshiped, or turned to as a loving father who protects you from harm. It is your Government, nothing more! To reverence the individuals within it to the extent President Obama has been set-up on a pedestel, is to weakly give up what our founders fought so hard for.

Your hope should be found solely in your own efforts and..., if you need a savior, belief in Jesus Christ.

Amazing!

My wife already posted this on her blog, but I had to include it on mine as well.

I found a web site on the net that retouches pictures of still born babies for free. I was sceptical as most of my attempts to improve some of Lily's pictures did not work out. I downloaded several software programs and none of them worked well. (Or at least I didn't know enough to work them properly).

If you have seen other pics of Lily you will probably agree that she was beautiful, but it would be easier to see her for some if some of the imperfections, brought on by her ordeal and early birth, could be removed. These pictures are amazing and a wonderful gift to Jen and I. A link to the company website is on my wife's blog which you can link to from here.

It may be a bit crazy but just seeing what my little girl might have looked like at birth made me feel terrific! I will love her forever no matter how she looks. She is the only flesh and blood connection that I've ever known.

Just knowing that I'll see her again is a comfort to me. I believe she is the reason I was born no matter how short our time together was.

Lily’s Voice

My wife Jen is the most amazing woman I know. Below is a wonderful story she wrote yesterday. It brings happiness to the formerly sad thought of losing our Lily. After reading it through tears, I have been blessed and strengthened by her words. I hope you are too.

Lily's Voice

Her voice starts as vibrations in my little world of fluid. What I know of time moves very slowly, but the changes in me happen rapidly. Her steps lull me to sleep, but I jump at the various sounds that my carrier makes throughout the day. She calls herself “mommy” and the other voice that I hear is called “daddy”. Throughout the day I hear mommy talk of this and that and I wiggle around when she laughs. Daddy goes over my ABC’s everyday, and I dance at his silly songs.

We start the days with a story that she reads aloud to me. Everyday they are stories of a man named Jesus. She reads the stories and then talks to Him the same way that she talks to daddy. She asks Him to take care of me, and to help me grow according to His will everyday. She tells Him that she loves Him, and she always ends this talk with the same word “Amen.”

Then one day I am very sleepy, but I hear daddy talking to me and he is telling me that he loves me and to go to a man named Jesus. I know that name! The sleepiness is more than I can handle, and I see bright lights around me, and the lights are much brighter than I’ve ever seen before. I notice that my fluid world is now one of light and I feel very happy. I look up and I am in the arms of a very beautiful man, and I instantly know that this man is Jesus. I tell him that my daddy on earth told me that He would be here, and Jesus tells me that He has always known me and has always loved me. I miss mommy’s voice, but He tells me that she will be here one day with me also, but that she still has work to do on earth.

Jesus carries me to a playground were all of the other children play, and tells me that my days will be filled with happiness and joy. I wish I could tell mommy and daddy how nice it is up here, so that they will not be so sad. I want to tell them that just like Jesus held me in His arms, that he holds them in His hands everyday~ and that He loves them, too.

Some of my favorite QUOTES

Some of my favorite QUOTES

These have been brought back to me due to recent events.

“Liberty has never come from the government. Liberty has always come from the subjects of it. The history of liberty is a history of resistance. The history of liberty is a history of limitations of governmental power, not the increase of it.”–Woodrow Wilson

What is worse is that when people try to inform the public as to the truth concerning their government, they are shunned and called all kinds of names. Carl Sagan, the noted scientist once said, “One of the saddest lessons of history is this: If we’ve been bamboozled long enough, we tend to reject any evidence of the bamboozle. The bamboozle has captured us. Once you give a charlatan power over you, you almost never get it back.”

English historian Lord Acton is quoted as saying, “Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely. Great men are always bad men.” Is that why Jefferson said that rational men do not seek such power, or is it, as author David Brin said, “It is said that power corrupts, but actually it’s more true that power attracts the corruptible. The sane are usually attracted by other things than power.”

George Washington warned us about the dangers of political parties, “However [political parties] may now and then answer popular ends, they are likely in the course of time and things, to become potent engines, by which cunning, ambitious, and unprincipled men will be enabled to subvert the power of the people and to usurp for themselves the reins of government, destroying afterwards the very engines which have lifted them to unjust dominion.”

"Once fully enslaved, no nation, state, city of this earth ever afterward resumes its liberty." -- Walt Whitman

"The only freedom which deserves the name, is that of pursuing our own good in our own way, so long as we do not attempt to deprive others of theirs, or impede their efforts to obtain it."-- John Stuart Mill, "On Liberty" (1859)

"Liberty means responsibility. That is why most men dread it."-- George Bernard Shaw

"Those who expect to reap the benefits of freedom, must, like men, undergo the fatigue of supporting it."-- Thomas Paine, The Crisis Number IV


Some of my favorites from Thomas Jefferson:

I predict future happiness for Americans if they can prevent the government from wasting the labors of the people under the pretense of taking care of them. --Thomas Jefferson

No man will ever carry out of the Presidency the reputation which carried him into it.

--Thomas Jefferson

The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who would not. --Thomas Jefferson

To compel a man to subsidize with his taxes the propagation of ideas which he disbelieves and abhors is sinful and tyrannical. --Thomas Jefferson

When the people fear their government, there is tyranny; when the government fears the people, there is liberty. --Thomas Jefferson

…And my all time favorite from Tommy J. that applies very much to our country today…

"Most men seek not true Liberty, but solely a just Master".

Paraphrase:

Most people do not want the freedom to succeed and also to fail that is afforded by the allowance of liberty. Most do not want to be left alone, but wish to only be taken care off in a just manner.

Or more simply… Slavery in mediocrity is preferable by some to freedom in uncertainty.

Spelling Apology

This is a Blog-wide apology for all of my spelling and grammatical errors made thus far. I do my best, but mostly type first and ask questions later...

Lily My Life

Lily my Life

One small piece of me I only knew for awhile
Is gone from this earth, though I never saw you smile
A little bit of me and a part of my wife
Formed beautifully for a moment, now forever in my life

There’s no changing now, my old life is gone
I won’t feel the same at the day’s early dawn
Neither a breath to be taken nor a beat of my heart
Can occur without thoughts of you at the start

How brief our time was is not important to me
I loved things about you my eyes could not see
You don’t need to be here on this earth near the ground
Inside of my soul is where your light can be found

It comforts me knowing you’re waiting for us
I know cause God said so, in his word I trust
I don’t want to rush life, there’s much beauty down here
But knowing you’re there has quieted my fear

When my time comes to go there, it will be in peace
My little girl waits with arms open for me
Until then just know you’re with me everyday
You fill every thought until I come your way

I’m glad I had time to hold you tight
I re-live that short moment in my dreams each night
Someday that dream, and that hug, will come true
I can’t wait to hear the words, “Daddy I really missed you”.

Another clarification...

A friend asked if I could break down the numbers further:

I didn't want to divide it up into each income group, because that would not be easy for some to compare with the raw data I pulled from the tnu.org and irs.gov websites. I wanted it to show in a similar fashion so people didn't think I made it up.

I thought that if someone wanted to dig deep enough, they could do the math between the levels and find out what each income bracket paid.

My point was two fold:

First, I wanted to make it clear that neither Republicans nor Democrat's care about how much income tax anyone pays. As long as they can use our ignorance on the subject to further their political careers. McCain is going to save us from the bad "Obama" and Barack will save us from another "Old tired man". That is the part I hate. The fact that they use the income tax as "class warfare" to stir us all up, when most of us don't even know the numbers.

Second point I wanted to make is that unfortunately, as much as we would all love to hate the "bad" rich people, the fact is that they pay most of the bills. I never got a job from a poor guy. I think we should just all live our own lives as best we can and stop looking at what everyone else has. Of course we should always not let powerful people abuse others, but that is a different story from just a plain case of "The Robin Hood Syndrome".

Let's really establish the middle class numbers:

Half of the country pays only 2.99%. That half makes no more than $31,987 per year.

I also established that from $108,000 and below pay only 29% total...

....so from $108,000-$31,987 ( The middle class) pay only 26.01% of our tax bill.

I probably can't change it either way, but it just underscores the point that it is only a way for Obama to make us all hate the bad $250K or more people, vote him into office, and take their money, instead of trying to come up with better ways to secure our freedoms to allow all of us to pursue our own opportunities to make more money for ourselves without Government help.

I personally don't want him to give me any money from any source, just get out of my way and let me do it for myself.

I 'll break it out in numbers. It's kind of rough, but bear with me.

200 Million total Taxpayers.

Level 1: Earnings of $388, 806 or more = 1% of all taxpayers paying 39.89% of the bill
2 Million People

Level 2: Earnings of $153, 542 - $ 388, 805 = 4% of all taxpayers paying 20.25% of the bill
8 Million People

Level 3: Earnings of $108, 904 - $153, 541 = 5% of all taxpayers paying 10.65% of the bill
10 Million People

Level 4: Earnings of $64,702 - $108, 903 = 15% of all taxpayers paying 15.48% of the bill
30 Million People

Level 5: Earnings of $31,987 - $64,702 = 25% of all taxpayers paying 10.74% of the bill
50 Million People

Level 6: Earnings of $0- $31,987 = 50% of all taxpayers paying 2.99% of the bill
100 Million People

With it broken out this way we can see the burden is not unequally on the middle class. (Me, you, most of us)) The burden is on the "Bad people". Those 20 Million out of the 200 Million (10%) who make more than $108K and pay 70.79% of the total bill.

It's like we should punish people for doing well and assume that all high income is due to some incorrect behavior that Government should correct.

I may have made a math mistake above, but you see my point.

Not a big deal, but I hate being lied to by politicians.

Chuck

One more time....

After article after article, debate after debate, interview after interview...I still have not heard a peep from Conservatives out there with the true facts to counter the complete and utter lies Barack Obama is spreading regarding the Federal Income Tax.

I can't believe this is not being addressed and Obama is being allowed to openly lie and scare people into all out hate for the "Bad Rich People"!!!

Everything below can be found at http://www.irs.gov/ or (The National Taxpayers Union) http://www.ntu.org/

Remember per the IRS there were 200 Million taxpayers in the last year reported.

I feel I must go over this one more time....

Percentiles Ranked by Adjusted Gross Income.
Percentage of Federal Personal Income Tax Paid
(I will organize them into LEVELS for future reference)

LEVEL 1 The Top 1% of all taxpayers earn---$388,806 or more and pay 39.89% of all Federal Income taxes.

LEVEL 2 The Top 5% of all taxpayers earn---$153,542 or more and pay 60.14% of all Federal Income Taxes.

LEVEL 3 The Top 10% of all taxpayers earn---$108,904 or more and pay 70.79% of all Federal Income taxes.

LEVEL 4 The Top 25% of all taxpayers earn---$64,702 or more and pay 86.27% of all Federal Income taxes.

LEVEL 5 The Top 50% of all taxpayers earn---$31,987 of more and pay 97.01% of all Federal income taxes.

LEVEL 6 The Bottom 50% of all taxpayers earn less than---$31,987 of less and pay 2.99% of all Federal Income taxes.

...So what this means is that 100 Million taxpayers (Half the Total) only pay 2.99% of the total Federal Income tax bill in the United States!!!

Per Obama...He is going to give 95% on taxpayers a "Tax Cut". How?? How can he do that when 50% hardly pay any taxes at all? It's called Welfare when you give people a refund that they never paid in the first place.

Oh...and those "BAD" people making $250,000 or more (6 Million Taxpayers) that "Must" be punished, they pay approximately 50% of the bill. If you make it harder for your #1 revenue source to live, how do you think that will affect your future revenue??

Not to mention if you tax your #1 revenue source they will have less to spend in the economy, that is, malls, shops, grocery stores, services, online businesses, wages for workers and everything else.

Approx. 180 Million taxpayers (90%) make less than $108k per year and pay ONLY 29% of the bill. This would be what most of us would call the "Middle" and "Lower" class . This, to me (I'm in this bracket), is hardly an unbalanced equation that overtly taxes the"Middle" class and the poor.

To the contrary, it appears that it unfairly singles out the people who pay most of the money that the Congress loves to spend and forces them, by the power of government, to pay even more.

Is that fair??? Even though I am not in that bracket I can see it is not fair....??

But...If you are Barack Obama, why should you care if it's fair for 6 Million people when 194 Million will vote you into office thinking that they will pay less or even get a check for paying nothing.

My niece's would say, "Duh!!"

It's about getting into office, NOT fixing the economy.

How is this good for the economy to "Take" more income from the people who make it move and give more back to people who hold it back? ...The answer is it's not good for the economy, but it is good for you (Barack Obama) if you use this tactic to persuade the ignorant masses that they need you to save them from "The Bad Rich people".

Our Tax System Explained

Our Tax System Explained: Bar Stool Economics

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:
The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh would pay $7.
The eighth would pay $12.
The ninth would pay $18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.

....So, that's what they decided to do.The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve.

'Since you are all such good customers,' he said, 'I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20.' Drinks for the ten now cost just $80!!!

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free.

But what about the other six men - the paying customers? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his 'fair share?'

They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer.

So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay. He made sure that the percentage was NOT equal, but progressively less as the income went up so the wealthy who were more "lucky" would have to pay their fair share.
And so:

The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33%savings).
The seventh now pay $5 instead of $7 (28%savings).
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).
Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free.

....But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings.'I only got a dollar out of the $20,' declared the sixth man.
He pointed to the tenth man,' but he got $10!
''Yeah, that's right,' exclaimed the fifth man. 'I only saved a dollar, too. It's unfair that he got ten times more than I got
' 'That's true!!' shouted the seventh man. 'Why should he get $10 back when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!
''Wait a minute!!,' yelled the first four men in unison. 'We didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!'

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks so the nine sat down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!!!

...And that, ladies and gentlemen, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.

...And they do go overseas because of the excess tax burden. It happens every day in big business and the workers pay the price. Remember also, all those "rich" people the Democrats are always talking about that make more than $250K per year are NOT just Bill Gates...

Some are not big enough to flee to cheaper foreign markets....
Every small business owner of a Subway, a gas station, a Hallmark store, a pet shop, a home daycare business, and a million other types might just fall into this category as they are most likely formed under Sole Proprietorship laws. There are thousands of these businesses employing millions of workers in our country.

Today, approximately 85% of the total amount of Federal income tax collected is from filers who make more than $250K per year. 85% of the total tax revenue taken in by the Federal government!
So.... everyone who makes less than $250K pays only 15% of the total bill to run this country! Yeah, we should really hate those bad "rich" people....

In fact the bottom 50% of tax payers make less than $32K per year!! ... and only pay 3% of the total amount!!! There are 200 Million taxpayers, so this means that 100 Million pay 97% of the bill and 100 Million ride for almost free. http://www.irs.gov/

So....about half of the country is like the first four men and living for free!! I wonder which half?? Why should you worry about how high the tab is if you are not the one paying the bill? Have another drink on us!!!

Some may say, "I don't care about those stupid "rich" people", "Health care is a "Right" that the Government should give me" "We need them to pay more so we can have health care" ...except for the fact that those "stupid rich people" are the ones creating jobs in the country.
I never got a job from a poor man who was begging for free Government health care.

Isn't if funny how our political system is almost as equally divided?? I wonder if the income tax were eliminated and politicians could not use class warfare as a strategy, if we would finally have a chance at a true electoral process. We could vote for who the person is and not what they are going take away from some and give back to others.

Think about it....really think about it and stop worrying about what everyone else has and the envy you have for what they have and just make the most of what you have been able to drag back to the cave!!

That is, if the government does not deem what you have as "Excessive" or a "Windfall" amounts and decides to raise your taxes because of how "lucky" you are. Who determines where the line is drawn anyway???
Oh yeah... another bunch of rich men that want to fix every one else's lives and apply the rules to everyone except themselves. They beat down the few "Bad" rich people who pay the country's bills, to please the millions, getting a free ride, who are going to vote them into office for doing so.

Today

I think occacionally I will get poetic as I sometimes do and offer crafted pieces of literature. Today, however is just...today.
I haven't written much since the pain of Lily's loss, taking care of my wife, and keeping my work alive have swamped most of my moments.
I also have been working finishing my BS in Management by taking three night classes a week. This is finally at a close and I will be graduating on November 8th!! No more school for awhile.

The other main issue at hand is which direction our future plans for children will take? Adoption?, Surrogacy?, or pacient prayer and waiting? We are exploring all options, but all have their own ups and downs. No more can we, like everyone else it seems, just turn the lights down low, turn up the Barry White and decide to enter into parenthood. Now our desicion involves $30K, months of tests, personal evaluations by arrogant "proffessionals", and nights of prayerful waiting. All this to have one child, while crackheads all over Atlanta sneeze on each other and produce multitudes of offspring with hardly an effort. We watch as so many people in our lives become parents on a whim, or accidentally forget the condom once and complain about have to giving up their freedom.
So many in our lives torture us by having more children than they can take care of, and do not appreciate the happiness new life can bring. We see this every day in our jobs and at the store. It is thrust before us and is so evident that the world does not appreciate the children they have and the miracles that so easily came knocking at their door. We didn't ever want to hit the family mother load...we were not greedy...one was enough....we just wanted our Lily.

I Knew Right Away

I knew right away the she was the one who would be a Mommy to the child that I always desperately wanted, but didn’t think would come to pass. My Jen Jen was a girl saturated with every trait most would love to find in their forever partner, friend, and mother of their children. She had the same desire for a family as I and not long after I made her my wife the journey towards Lily had begun.
I say Lily, because every time we spoke of children it just seemed that we had perfect precognition of the one that would grace our lives. Lily was the only name we felt in our heart at that time, it just felt right.
After a year of trying the usual way we started to question Jen’s doctor. There were a lot of comments like, “Be patient” and “It will happen in God’s time, were understood, but were not much comfort to two people in love and wanting to move from two to three. An exploratory surgery was performed and we discovered that Jen’s right fallopian tube was blocked. The Doctor said he may have been able to open it some, but not to worry as, “You only need one”. We moved on at the year and a half mark to one of the best fertility Doctor’s in the world. His immediate response was for another surgery to remove Jen’s blocked right tube. The surgery went well and the next move was to confirm the condition of the remaining left fallopian tube. We were sent for another diagnostic radiation study called an HSG on March 7th, 2008. There was an extreme feeling of elation when the technician mentioned that she didn’t see any blockage! This would mean that the only thing left was for seed to meet egg. This was attempted multiple times over the next two days and we were happy to be trying again, but this time with much better news. Our rollercoaster continued the following Wednesday March 12th when our Doctor decided that after reviewing the HSG himself, he needed to meet with us. As we stood in the office under dim light, we were shown in the black and white of the x-ray film that the tube could never be a path for the life of our future baby to follow. The Doctor said that the path was too rocky and blocked in such a way that an egg could never make it through. My Jen Jen cried as the Doctor explained that we may be able to get pregnant be Invitrofertilization, but even that may be a long shot. We spent two more weeks in discussions and prayer wondering if this would be our direction. The night before Jen’s 30th birthday we went out for dinner and Jen said one of the strongest statements of faith I have every heard. She said, “Wouldn’t that be a wonderful testimony if we were pregnant and could tell the world that when man says no, God says yes?” Her birthday came the next day on March 26th, 2008. It dawned on her on that day that her day to start her period had come and gone two days ago. In an almost mechanical process, we opened up another pregnancy test for Jen to do her business on. This had occurred multiple times in the previous two years and we were accustomed to the usual answer of no. We almost forgot about the test lying on the tile bathroom floor. I normally would retrieve the test after the obligatory three minutes and read the result, but this time I was preoccupied and Jen walked into the bathroom to just get the routine over with.
I have never seen my wife’s eyes as large or elated than in that moment. "Oh my God it says pregnant!!” she screamed at me. What a birthday present!!! We by the hand of God had succeeded in making our dream of a family come true. Our confirmation visit to the Doctor the next day displayed the miracle. We had to wait four excruciating weeks until we were able see the baby on an ultrasound. At the ultrasound visit the Doctor said that the egg had been released from the right ovary which was the one missing the tube. It had found its way through Jen’s abdomen to the left tube on the other side and navigated down the rocky obstacle course to the uterus and implanted perfectly. Our journey though pregnancy began in utter and complete exuberation.
Jen thoroughly enjoyed being pregnant and, although she got sick every single day, she never complained and always kept that smile on her face. The next ultrasound scheduled was to be the 20th week to determine the sex. My honey could not wait that long so she scheduled a sex determination ultrasound at a baby boutique at the 16 week mark. After 30 minutes of trying the technician determined we were having a boy! She said she had never been wrong in 13 years so we prepared for our boy whom we now named Cooper. We purchased blue turtle bedding, clothes and a few other items and talked about what it will be like to have a boy after we had been planning for a girl. At the 19 week mark we went to the Doctor for the official sex determination ultrasound secretly already knowing the outcome as our little Cooper.
“It’s a girl!” the technician said as we both looked at each other in awe. Back to Lily the name would go, but in our hearts we always knew. Jen had her girl and after a three week detour, we continued to press on with the joy and expectation of a daughter. The blue turtles went back to the store and pink and brown lady bugs followed. We finished her room and hand painted the letters of her name in pink with brown spots. We were ready and excited.

At 22 weeks 3 days we woke up on a Saturday and went to a few yard sales, lunch and then returned home for a short weekend nap. At 6 PM Jen sat down on the bed with excruciating pain. After only ten minutes it became apparent that we would need to go to the hospital. After arriving at the Women’s Center triage area the baby’s vital signs showed a strong heartbeat and good conditions inside of the uterus. Jen was not in labor and the focus turned to other sources of abdominal pain. The Doctor’s centered in on the appendix as a possible cause. Jen was told she would be taken to surgery to further explore the situation. Several hours passed and we were taken to another room to await the procedure. Jen was given pain medicine and we waited for our surgery time to come. They did not monitor Lily’s vitals until the bed was rolled in to take Jen to the operating room. When they strapped the monitor on my wife it appeared that Lily’s heartbeat was slowing. Within 10 minutes the doctor told me that her health was not looking good and after a few more minutes past, she was gone. I watched her last heartbeat on the ultrasound machine. I talked to her, told her I loved her, and prayed. Our little girl, the dream that we thought would never come to be, the happiest thought I ever knew, ended in a blink of an eye.

We didn’t have very much time to grieve for our Lily as Jen was now our primary concern. Her blood pressure was dropping and temperature was rising. Still the doctor thought it was best to attempt to deliver Lily in a natural time and induced Jen’s body to labor. By the next afternoon with no improvement and intervention from another specialist, they decided to rush Jen to surgery to deliver Lily and repair the massive loss of blood she had been experiencing. After 1 hour of surgery Jen was stabilized and they brought my little girl to me. I met my Lily in a little pink dress, with a little pink hat. She was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. She was peaceful and perfectly made, but I would never see her smile or know the color of her eyes. I spent several minutes in a room alone with her. I told her how much I loved her, and to go and find a man named Jesus. It was an informational request only as I knew she was already in His arms. They say the Lord needed her more than I did, and I guess I am forced to hear those words, but in my heart I can only disagree. I can not imagine anyone needing her more than I do now.
Initial opinions were that the placenta separated from the uterus in an event called a placental abruption. Blood pooled behind the placenta and built up pressure until the uterus ruptured and filled Jen’s abdomen with a baby and a massive amount of blood. Natural labor would never have worked and my beautiful wife was in more danger that we knew at the time. We almost lost her as well, but thankfully my God chose only to take one on that day.

Is it the same heart?

Is it the same heart that once flowed in a bitter stream of painful rain?
Am I the same vessel to a soul once tortured by all who came near?
Has this life, once wrapped in chaos, now brought forth a bountiful harvest of peace?
In past this moment could never have been fathomed


The thoughts that strangled every prior moment
Now spread cool and free within my brain
A jumbled mess of directionless roads
Now form straight paths of purpose


The dream that confusion would be calmed
A hope that someday love would be made real
A promise given by my Lord
Has finally in the eyes of my love, come to be


She was found before only in small measure
Glimpses of this kind of person I would see
Never, though, in one single form
But now she lies in a peaceful bed every night in my arms


Years have past as I wrote of my pain
Days became another moment to tally the newest scar
Minutes ticked away bring nothing different from the last
And each second only strengthened assurance that love would never find me


How wrong I was while lacking patience with the Lord
For in his time he showed her spirit to mine
In his time he opened my eyes to see her beauty
And in his time, although I have always been unworthy
He trusted me to make her my wife


I will not let him down

C

Where I am today

My first post was an old article I wrote for a creative writing class about 10 years ago. I thought I should send out a quick note to summarize where I am now at the beginning of this blog.

My entire life has been about searching for the one. The one girl who I could love, spoil and share everything with without feeling used and not respected. The one God had for me. Most women, in my experience though, have been takers. In contrast to the standard mold, most girls I have found were not nurturing and caring as we are to believe, but are only out for what benefits them most at the expense of all others. I met a lot of nice girls and had some wild times exploring life, but none were ever the kind that I knew would bring the forever bond I hoped for.
Then I met Jen Jen...

After 40 years of searching, I finally found my girl 3 years ago. She is not here only for herself. She is a giving, caring, listening, calm, patient, selfless child of God. I may have been midly happy with any of the other women I've known. Good times would most likely have splattered all around the violent majority of moments shared, but I never would have found this kind of real, true, forever, complete love if I had not met my Jen. Plus she's hot!
After a lot of trying we finally got pregnant with our little girl Lily. It was a miracle. They said it couldn't happen, but it did. We didn't ever think we could love someone so much. I used to sing to her through my wife's belly and she would jump at my voice. Jen would play her praise music and she would jump to the sound of the tune. She was our little girl.
Lily and the Lord had other plans as she got her wings after only 22 weeks 3 days of life. We heard no bells like in that Christmas movie, only tears, but there is no doubt that we have our own angel waiting for us when our life here is through. We love her.
It hasn't been that long since she passed away and this blog may just be a way for me to start to heal, but there has been so many emotions surrounding us that it would be a great loss to not capture them somewhere.
There will be many more of my ramblings, and many words to share, but we had only one Lily.
C

Outside the Window

Outside the Window
I look out of my window and this is my vision. That orange ball has made it's way around this planet once more and beckons us to start a new. But what will it's fiery form bring us today? Will it's warmth fuel our dreams and power us to greatness? Or will it's flames melt our hopes and slowly sink us to despair? In truth we will find that it will do neither. Our days are not dependent on the rising of the sun, the blueness of the sky, or even the varying moods of our fellow humans. What does matter is what action we take in the time between the quiet sunrise and the romantic sun set.
We have been placed here by our creator with all the tools needed to rise in triumph or to fall in shame. And we have been given an intellect to discern which is the proper path to follow. We can use these compass-like gifts to find the direction to our dreams, or we can be battered about this world like a kite on the wind. We can let our day's problems happen to us, or we can make our day's victories happen for us. It is good to remember that for every seemingly hopeless event in history, that there was probably one person who rose above that situation and shaped a grand future despite their sad present. If it has been accomplished by some, then what holds back the many? If it is so for them, then why is it not for you?
My point is that the world has no agenda for us. We are watched over by our Lord in heaven, but he has given us free choice to shape this clay-like world in the form that we choose. As we scream as if impaled about how harsh this life is, let us reflect on the past and the decisions that we have made. Somewhere within these recollections I am sure we will find the responsibility lies in us. And if the responsibility for bad is ours, then the responsibility for success also must be ours. It is our determination that makes it so.
Chuck, A long while back...